Forty. Fat. Female.

The dreaded "F" word.    I'm two of those things.  And I'd like to fix one of those things within the next year and a half.   I was told a few weeks ago that I had type 2 diabetes.  Couldn't help but feel somewhat responsible for my diagnosis, given the pattern of my eating habits over the past few years.  Food is my comfort, my crutch, my go to when I'm stressed, sad, angry, lonely.  My sweet tooth actually has a sugar coating on it I think!    The other part though, is my fathers side.  Strong genetic string of diabetes.  My nan, my dad, my sister, many aunts, uncles, cousins.  There's really no escaping it, however, I didn't have to make it so easy to find it's way into my life.

When I was pregnant for the first time, I was overweight.  I only gained 15 lbs, but with that pregnancy, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes.  My son was 9 lbs 11 oz.  After giving birth, I breastfed for 3 months, exercised daily as I had a wedding dress to fit into.  I'd lost 50 lbs. The diabetes was gone from my body once I delivered, and all was right in the world.

2nd pregnancy, I was not as over weight, however I gained an astonishing 60 lbs.  That pregnancy, I didn't have gestational diabetes (although I beg to differ).  My 2nd son was born weighing a wopping 11 lbs! 

In 2013 I was at my heaviest.  I had many friends offering support.  I was depressed, hated the way I looked, was going through a bad marriage.  After a lot of prodding, I decided to give Isagenix a try.   I did the 30 day cleanse system for 90 days.  And I lost 50 lbs.  I felt amazing, everyone said I looked great (why no one says you look good when you're overweight is sad.  I try hard to look nice whatever my size, yet I only get compliments when I'm society's "thinner" view).  I had a good summer that year.  My mom & I took my boys to Florida at the end of August.  There I gained back 15-20 lbs.  Then there was thanksgiving, Halloween, gallbladder removal, Christmas... more troubled marriage stuff...  My mom & I went to Cuba in the winter and I came home another 20 lbs heavier.  Damn pina coladas! 

I lost my drive to continue the isagenix lifestyle.  And it showed me, that no matter how easy it was to lose the weight, if I didn't change my eating habits and daily exercise routine (or at least start a routine) than nothing would change. 

In May 2014 I finally decided to file for divorce.  What a sense of failure that comes with.  All these stupid MEMEs on facebook saying that no one decides to work on a marriage, they just walk away, blah blah blah.  Screw all of you.  I tried.  I tried for 8 years, longer than we were married!  I decided that I didn't deserve the constant verbal abuse I was getting.  I didn't deserve to be unhappy and in a marriage alone.  I decided that if I was going to be a single mother, while married and unhappy, I might as well be a single mother, and be divorced.  If I have to do it all, while the other is sitting downstairs doing their own thing, then well, I'll do it alone!  So I did.  Now that didn't come without a lot of heartache, a lot of fighting, a lot of stress, and a lot of eating.    I'd gained back all the weight I'd lost using isagenix, and then some. 

Fast forward to two weeks ago.  My doctor's office calls to tell me that I'm diabetic.  A phone call I take while eating a huge bowl of mint chip ice cream.  Ironic.  No wonder my blood is full of sugar.  That's my entire diet these days.  Box of cookies here, tub of ice cream there, throw in a few shots of reddi whip in my mouth on the way past the fridge. And don't forget the pop.  Who needs water when you've good this liquid gold.

That day, then and there, I decided to take my life back.  I decided that I was worth something, that my kids deserved to have a healthy mother.  I have tried every single day to get on the treadmill and run for at least 30 minutes.  The furthest I have gone is 2.5 km.  Slow and steady...  I've also found work out stuff at local thrift shops and have created a nice little "gym" in my basement.  No excuses.

I have a great support system around me who will give me the nudge when I just want to go to bed.  My kids are great cheerleaders too, running to get more water, turning on the fan when I'm a sweaty pig on the treadmill.  You name it, they're there for me. 

My goal is to initially lose those 60 lbs I gained back.  I am doing some isagenix stuff again, mainly the shakes as they are good for breakfast.  I am trying to run daily for 30 minutes and then I do weights/workout on arms/legs, etc for another... well until I'm weak lol.  After those 60 lbs are gone, we are going to reevaluate my need for medication for diabetes.  I'd love to get off all medication.  Fingers cross, I think I can do it!  If I can lose 100 lbs at least from where I am now, well, I'll probably walk around naked haha! 

Seriously though, I want to be there for my kids. I want to reduce my risk of heart disease.  I want to be able to play with my children and not just ask to sit on my butt.  I want it and I will do it.

One. Step. At. A. Time.

And when I'm 40, I will not be fat.