Death & A Paramedic

As a paramedic I have seen death.  A LOT.  I have heard someone take their last breath, I have pounded on someone's chest trying to save them.  I have shocked their heart and seen their muscles contract so much that their body moves.


I have held the hands of an elderly woman mourning the sudden loss of her husband.  I have hugged the husband sobbing in disbelief that his life long partner passed away in her sleep.  I have consoled children, parents, strangers, myself.

People often ask me, how do you deal with dead people?  Well, most often it's that I didn't know them alive, so their death means nothing to my life.  Cold hearted?  Maybe, necessary, yes.   If I stop to look around at pictures, in the homes where someone has died, then I will find myself thinking of them in their life they once had.  The heart strings start to tug and, well, we can't fall apart on a call.  We can't cry with them.  They called us for help.  We have to be strong.    It's just the way it is.


So after 17 years, I've sort of mastered the cold heart.  So much so, that when one of my own family members pass on, it find it hard to grieve.  Sure I'm sad.  Sure it sucks when someone dies.  And usually for the most part their death doesn't' affect my daily activities.  You see, my grandmother had 12 children.  Naturally we ended up with a large family.   Death was introduced to me at a very very young age.  I've come to accept that it's a part of life.  I've become the strong one that people turn to because they know I've dealt with death on a more regular basis than they have.  Between work and family, I've lost track of the death toll.

A few days ago my wonderful Aunt died.  It was an unexpected death, complications from surgery, coupled with declining health and old age.  I am sad that I never got to see her one last time.  It's been years since I've seen her, so long that my kids don't even recognize her by pictures.  That saddens me.  It saddens me that our family has gotten so big and so busy that we don't get together anymore, and then it's too late.  My Aunt was in her 70s.  She had no children, had been widowed when I was young, and found a partner to stand by her side since.  I believe she was happy, had such a kind soul, was rough around the edges, liked to smoke and liked to play guitar.   I have fond memories of Chirstmas gatherings at her home many years ago.

As we prepare to say goodbye to her at the end of this week, I'm struggling somewhat with my feelings.  I haven't cried for her.  I'm sure I will, when the time is right.  Right now, I'm trying to be strong for my dad, who is falling apart.  I am trying to be the voice of reason - she was unwell the past few years, her quality of life was declining, she wouldn't want us all to be sad.  She's up in the clouds having a blast with siblings and her parents that have gone before her.  She is at peace and she will always be with us.  Always.



I feel her with me when I speak her name, just like I feel my nan (her mother) with me.  Shivers run through my body and I know it's her.  That brings me peace, knowing we are not alone.  Knowing that they are watching out over us.  Knowing that someday we will see them again.



Until then, I keep my cold hardened heart and become the strength for those around me.

The life of a paramedic.

How My Dad Makes Me Feel.

tupid.

Inadequate.

Unable to think for myself.

Unable to make my own decisions.

This is how I felt tonight when I arrived home from working a 12 hour shift.  My dad has been helping me out with childcare since my regular babysitter was let go.  It's hard to find a child care provider for kids when the parent works shifts.  No one wants to work split shifts or shifts that long.  Thankfully my dad stepped up to the plate to help me out.   

Anyhow, back to today.  My kids and I are starting a little veggie garden.  My mom last year bought us a raised garden bed.  Today my dad and kids put it together.  Last week I told my dad I would be cutting up our pool liner (bought a used above ground pool from my cousin - it's still in my garage...) as it's probably got some holes in it from being dragged all over the yard, etc for the past 2 years.  I said I'd cut the liner to put in the bottom of the garden to stop the weeds.  My neighbour thought it was a great idea.  I guess my dad sees money going out the window because he tried to tell me that he would cut some wood, then lay down papers and then put plastic over it all.  He thinks I should use the pool liner in the pool when I put it up.  Like I'm going to install a pool liner that more than likely has some small holes in it and have a leak, then have to get someone to reinstall a new liner.  I'd rather spend the money now and get a new liner.  He is so goddamn cheap it drives me nuts.  

He also tells me, oh don't use those boards under the deck to line the garden box... uh, no Dad, those are DECK BOARDS.  Really, like I'm that stupid that I would use my left over deck boards.  Give me some credit.  It's like he thinks I'm five years old or something.  And when I question him on it, he gets all mad and defensive.  It's SO irritating.

I am thankful though, for all his help.  I just wish he were more like my mom.  Like my mom knows not to tell me how awful my children have been the moment I walk in the door.  She gives it some time.  My dad?  Nope,  seems as soon as I set foot in the house, he's all over why the kids missed their ipad time or whatnot.  He doesn't understand, no matter how much I tell him, that this stresses me out and if they didn't kill each other, I really don't need to know.  Seems like he can deal with them and then move on.  That would be ideal.

So now I have to sit back and think... pros and cons to having my dad around to help.  There are a lot on both sides...  but, in the end my kids are getting precious time with their grandpa.  And my kids are hopefully helping my dad stay sober since he has this important job to do now.

So to all you dads out there, please give your daughters room to grow, to be their own person.  Know that we can do it on our own, and we have brains in our heads.  Give us the opportunity to make mistakes and to learn from them.  Thank you for always being by our sides...

My Heart Strings Are Broken

It is always a sad time for me when my boys go away to their grandparents house to visit their dad for his weekend.  It's heartbreaking when they come home and tell me their weekend was full of anger & yelling.

You see, my ex father-in law was never a nice man when I was around.  He barks orders, expects children to be seen and not heard.  I never saw love from him.  He is harsh and quite frankly I couldn't stand the man.  My mom had the same feelings.

Always at night I ask my children about their happy and their sad for the day, or in the case when they're away for a weekend, I ask about the happy/sad for the weekend.  For the past while, they've always had more sad than happy when they're gone.  Tonight was no exception.  I speak to the boys separately, in their rooms, as they're tucked into bed.  I ask them about their buckets and how full they are.

I'll start with my youngest.  Little A tells me that Grandpa J yelled at him a LOT this weekend.  Told him to be quiet while he watched his TV shows.  He couldn't even make truck noises without getting scolded.  When I asked where Daddy was, he said sleeping.  I asked if Daddy slept a lot when they were up there and he replied yes.  Makes my heart sad to know that their dad only gets one full day if that to spend with them, and he chooses sleep over spending time with them.  He continued on with stories of sadness, and when I had asked about his happy, it was me.  Coming home and seeing me.  While I love that about him, I cry inside thinking of this poor sad child.  He told me he didn't want to go back again, and quite frankly, I don't blame him.

(image copied from a google search)


Oldest kid C tells me that he hates Grandpa J, that he is so mean.  He says he's told to go outside to play, when they don't have anything there for the kids to play with.  They don't have a yard, their cottage is built on a hill, full of rocks.  Sure it would be fun to play on, if a grown up went outside to play with them.  When I asked C where Dad was, he said sleeping.    I ask them about what they eat as well  - they tell me they had nachos and cheese for dinner and said when he asked his dad for something more/else to eat, his dad said no.  He told me he wanted something healthier.  Bless his little heart.  He also tells me he doesn't want to go back up there again, and would like for his dad to come to our house for the weekend.   What a position that puts me in.  I don't want this to happen, yet I don't want the kids going to a place that is full of anger.    They came back early today, but I was still at work.  C said that Daddy spent his time here on his phone and his computer, put his own shows on the TV and wouldn't let the kids watch their own shows.  He made them go & play, but ignored them the entire time.  He also told me he their dad was on my Facebook.  SO not cool.  Of course the dad will deny any and all accusations, as that's what he always does.  He does NO wrong.
When I asked C about his bucket.... he said pretty much empty.  But then said, but with you and grandma (my mom) it's overflowing.



This is when I hate the life of a shift worker.  If I didn't work every other weekend, I'd keep them home with me and give their dad day visits if he decided he wanted that.  I just might see if I can get my parents to do some weekend shifts for me, but I don't feel good about taking away their weekends.  My mom still works full time, so she likes her freedom on the weekend.  And looking after little boys is exhausting.  My dad might be able to handle it, but 12+ hrs is a lot of work for a 67 yr old.  I honestly don't know what to do.

It's been almost 2 years since I filed for divorce, and we are still going through the motions of our financial statements.  Mine was completed within the first few months, and we have been waiting on my ex to finish his since.  My lawyer calls him an ostrich.  He said he sticks his head in the sand hoping this will all go away.  It won't though and we need to move on.  My ex has had two years to save up for either a down payment, or first and last for a rental.  None of which he has done.  He belly aches that he has no money, yet he goes to the states for a mock prison riot every year and every September he takes a week off work and bikes from Niagara Falls to Ottawa for the police memorial ride.  Sure it's a great cause, but it's expensive to do. The bike was over a grand, and then each year you have your hotel costs.  I just don't understand his priorities.  He would have more time with the kids if he was closer and had his own place.

I could go on and on, but there's really no point.  I think I know what I have to do.  It will be hard, but I hope my family will stand by me.  Or perhaps I'll have to hire a live in nanny!  Oh wouldn't that be lovely!

I'm off now for two days and I plan on spending that time hugging and loving my boys, letting them know they are my everything.



So if you are a dad out there, please know that what you do affects your children.  How you treat them will and does make a difference.  This goes for mothers as well.  Our children are our greatest gifts, and they should be treated with so much love and kindness.  They are our number one, always.

*** please note pictures are not my own.  they are copied from google images ***

Realizing I'm FAT.

So there it is.  The never ending battle with body image.  I've pictured myself overweight my whole life.  Now looking back, most of that time I was just fine.  It's unfortunate that we grow up in a world that teaches us to be stick thin.

As a child I was very active in sports.  I did soccer, gymnastics, swimming and figure skating.  I became a life guard and also a swimming instructor.  Needless to say, I am content being in a bathing suit.  Now though, I'm more aware of the added rolls.  Looking through old pictures of myself, I shake my head.  I was a good looking young lady.  I was fit and I was healthy.  No I wasn't a small size like a lot of my friends, but man, if I could go back and tell myself what I  know now, geeze, that would be amazing.

My problem of late is that I have become a stress eater.  Or perhaps I've always been one.  After the birth of my oldest, I lost 50 lbs through exercise and breast feeding.  I felt great.  I looked great on my wedding day, yet I still felt heavy.  I'd gotten down to 170 lbs.  Which, by the BMI standards I was still overweight.   According to that damn thing, I should probably be 130 lbs!  Fast forward two years to when I was pregnant with my 2nd.  I gained... SEVENTY pounds.  70!  I honestly thought it was no biggie since I'd lost it so easy with my first.  WRONG.  With the second, I didn't have the energy or time to exercise (now with two kids), my infant broke his first two teeth through within the first 2 months, so that ended breastfeeding quickly.  I couldn't go through the learning phase of him not biting me while feeding.  So bottles it was.  And with that, the weight stayed on.

I also think the weight crept on and stayed on because of my emotional eating.  I wasn't in a good relationship.  Now my then husband had no issues with the size of my body.  He was always quite content with whatever I looked like.  But the sadness and anger in our relationship led me to food.  A few years back my friend introduced me to isagenix.  I did 90 days.  By. The. Book.  I lost 50 lbs.  I looked great, I felt great - now I was still 20 lbs heavier than on my wedding day, but 50 lbs lost made a world of difference.  I was full of energy, I felt good in clothes and I could breathe.  That summer we went to Disney, my mother and the boys and I.  Well, there I put on 20 lbs.  The happiest place on earth has THE best desserts.    Then Christmas came, and then my mom and I went to Cuba for a week... another 20 lbs gained.  IN A WEEK.  Brutal.  All those pina coladas, strawberry daiquiris, pastries for breakfast, etc. well they added up.  Pretty soon my pants were too tight again and I was back where I'd started.  Well, my friend that had introduced me to the products sort of turned his back on me because I wasn't interested in the business aspect of isagenix.  I wanted it just for me.  He didn't feel the need to offer support any longer I guess.  Eventually I gave up.  Fast forward a few months to when I filed for divorce.  They don't tell you that divorce not only costs money, but you gain weight too!  At least in my case.  I've gained and lost another 10-15 lbs.

Now, I am 10 lbs over where I was when I started isagenix.  I feel like dirt, I look like shit and I have zero motivation to do anything about it.  I know what needs to be done to lose the weight - eat better and exercise.  So why don't I do it?  No idea.  I'm hoping something will click inside me and jump start the fire that I know is there.

This August my mom & I and some friends have signed up for a 5 km Foam Fest obstacle course "run".  I'm going to attempt to NOT walk the whole thing like we did last year at the warrior dash.  I'd like to be fit enough to be able to do a slow jog even.  My kids have shown interest in working out, so I"ve been pinning pins to my fitness boards and my hope is that we'll actually come up with a plan to do it.  Now though, when I look back at those pictures, where I thought I was fat, what I wouldn't give to look that good now.

What the hell, today is my day.  I change NOW.

Hmmm....

I don't know what I want to write today, I just know that I feel like typing something.  So here goes and we'll see what comes up.

I've been back to work now for a few weeks and it's been going alright.  I don't find I'm panicked or worried much.  What I have found is that I realize how negative some people are.  I don't know if it was my month off that gave me the break, to let go of the negative... but now that I'm back, I hear it so much.  And not just from coworkers either, from family and friends.  It's really quite depressing to realize how unhappy so many people are.

I'm working on "letting it go".  It's my new mantra - LET IT GO.  I try really hard not to burst out in the popular song when I say it to myself, it's such a great and catchy tune LOL.  Even my boys love it.




Okay, to be honest, I've been interrupted about 4 times now by my 8 year old who is in bed & supposed to be sleeping.  I'm getting rather irritated, but am letting it go.  He has asked to be tucked in twice, and this last time he asked when we had plans to go to Canada's Wonderland.  I'm like, really child, there is still snow outside and it's not even open.  I reminded myself how lucky I am that he is my child, gave him a kiss and said goodnight, for the final time this evening.  Fingers crossed he'll go to sleep.  He is way up past his bedtime, which doesn't help, and that is mainly my fault.  I got a late call at the end of my shift tonight, which put me into overtime.  Thankfully it wasn't a long call, so I only got home about 30 minutes later than normal.  Still I wanted to spend time with them, and the boys were outside playing when I got home.  Who can turn down fresh air?!  We got to read stories, they told me their happy sads for the days and I had the biggest smile when I asked about their buckets.  My oldest said his was overflowing.  LOVE THAT.



My oldest has had the most trouble with my recent separation from his father.  It has almost been a year and a half since he moved out.  Truthfully though, he was having trouble when his father lived here too.  There was a lot of hate, a lot of anger, a lot of name calling.  The worst was when his father said to me "The sooner you're dead the better."  Nice, eh?  Right in front of the kids.  The day I knew that I had to be a single parent was after this, when my then 3 yr old son said, Mommy, we only need to have three people in our family.  It broke my heart, but I knew what I had to do.

You see, from day one I thought I should leave. FROM DAY ONE.  Why didn't I?  Well, for one, someone was paying attention to me. Someone showed me I was important.  And I liked that.   I thought things would get better, I thought I could "fix" him.  Wrong.  Very wrong.  So what did we do?  Well, we had a baby of course.  Then we got married, because, well if the baby didn't make things better, for sure a wedding would.  Nope.  Then I decided that I wanted to have two children, but I didn't want to have them have different fathers.  I didn't want a huge age gap in between them, and who knows had I left then, if I'd ever found someone else who wanted a child with me?  So I stayed, and had my second son.  I thought perhaps things would change then, but still they didn't.  He had a lot of issues, as I'm sure I did too.  But he was mean.  He called me names, especially the "c" word.  It rhymes with punt.  He was angry all the time and it didn't matter who was around either.  He didn't care.  I thought that moving to a bigger home would solve our problems, but alas they didn't.  I finally realized my worth and my kids worth and filed for divorce.  That didn't go over very well and it's been just about 2 years from the date of filing and we still aren't settled yet.  I just want to get on with my life, without being attached to someone so full of hate and anger.  Unfortunately we are waiting on him and his paperwork.

In the end though I am much happier.  Yes it's hard and yes there are times I question my sanity.  I cry sometimes, saddened that I am yet another statistic.  One I swore I'd never be.  My kids are learning their new roles and our new family.  I am so fortunate to have such a supportive mother.  She has been our rock.  I honestly don't know what I'd do without her.  She is our travel companion, our dinner companion and our go to girl.  She is amazing.  Also a single mother, so I guess the apple doesn't fall from the tree.  I learned my strength from her.  And I am so thankful.



**pictures are not my own, they are copied from a google image search.