So there it is. The never ending battle with body image. I've pictured myself overweight my whole life. Now looking back, most of that time I was just fine. It's unfortunate that we grow up in a world that teaches us to be stick thin.
As a child I was very active in sports. I did soccer, gymnastics, swimming and figure skating. I became a life guard and also a swimming instructor. Needless to say, I am content being in a bathing suit. Now though, I'm more aware of the added rolls. Looking through old pictures of myself, I shake my head. I was a good looking young lady. I was fit and I was healthy. No I wasn't a small size like a lot of my friends, but man, if I could go back and tell myself what I know now, geeze, that would be amazing.
My problem of late is that I have become a stress eater. Or perhaps I've always been one. After the birth of my oldest, I lost 50 lbs through exercise and breast feeding. I felt great. I looked great on my wedding day, yet I still felt heavy. I'd gotten down to 170 lbs. Which, by the BMI standards I was still overweight. According to that damn thing, I should probably be 130 lbs! Fast forward two years to when I was pregnant with my 2nd. I gained... SEVENTY pounds. 70! I honestly thought it was no biggie since I'd lost it so easy with my first. WRONG. With the second, I didn't have the energy or time to exercise (now with two kids), my infant broke his first two teeth through within the first 2 months, so that ended breastfeeding quickly. I couldn't go through the learning phase of him not biting me while feeding. So bottles it was. And with that, the weight stayed on.
I also think the weight crept on and stayed on because of my emotional eating. I wasn't in a good relationship. Now my then husband had no issues with the size of my body. He was always quite content with whatever I looked like. But the sadness and anger in our relationship led me to food. A few years back my friend introduced me to isagenix. I did 90 days. By. The. Book. I lost 50 lbs. I looked great, I felt great - now I was still 20 lbs heavier than on my wedding day, but 50 lbs lost made a world of difference. I was full of energy, I felt good in clothes and I could breathe. That summer we went to Disney, my mother and the boys and I. Well, there I put on 20 lbs. The happiest place on earth has THE best desserts. Then Christmas came, and then my mom and I went to Cuba for a week... another 20 lbs gained. IN A WEEK. Brutal. All those pina coladas, strawberry daiquiris, pastries for breakfast, etc. well they added up. Pretty soon my pants were too tight again and I was back where I'd started. Well, my friend that had introduced me to the products sort of turned his back on me because I wasn't interested in the business aspect of isagenix. I wanted it just for me. He didn't feel the need to offer support any longer I guess. Eventually I gave up. Fast forward a few months to when I filed for divorce. They don't tell you that divorce not only costs money, but you gain weight too! At least in my case. I've gained and lost another 10-15 lbs.
Now, I am 10 lbs over where I was when I started isagenix. I feel like dirt, I look like shit and I have zero motivation to do anything about it. I know what needs to be done to lose the weight - eat better and exercise. So why don't I do it? No idea. I'm hoping something will click inside me and jump start the fire that I know is there.
This August my mom & I and some friends have signed up for a 5 km Foam Fest obstacle course "run". I'm going to attempt to NOT walk the whole thing like we did last year at the warrior dash. I'd like to be fit enough to be able to do a slow jog even. My kids have shown interest in working out, so I"ve been pinning pins to my fitness boards and my hope is that we'll actually come up with a plan to do it. Now though, when I look back at those pictures, where I thought I was fat, what I wouldn't give to look that good now.
What the hell, today is my day. I change NOW.
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