I'm An Asshole.

I'm sure every parent feels this way now & again.  It's a tough feeling, to feel like such an asshole when dealing with your children.  Tonight is one of those nights.  I can hear my child crying in his room, and I am just so frustrated that I simply cannot deal with it right now.  What is he crying over?  That I told him I would take his radio away tomorrow.  Why is that such a big deal?  Well, he listens to the goddamn thing every night, blasting too loud, to hear it over the fan noise, to a radio station that plays anything from dance music to top 40.  It certainly isn't relaxing music to fall asleep to, and often I hear him singing along.  Why is this a bad thing?  Well, for one, he will lay in bed for almost an hour or so singing and staying awake... when he should be sleeping.  He will call me down the hall whenever a song comes on that he'd like to buy on iTunes to add to his collection.  It is so frustrating.  My kids just don't understand the concept of bed time.  It's bed time.  NOW.  Go to sleep and stay asleep. 

Don't call me five THOUSAND times.  

Mom, tuck me in. 

I did. 

Tuck me in TIGHT. 

I did. 

Well I rolled over and it came untucked. 

Too bad. 

MOOOOOMMMMMMMM tuck me in.  (insert crying here). 

Frustrated and angry the kid gets tucked in.  This continues on for a good hour as well.  C'mon kid, I have shit to do.  Certainly not sit on my butt and have "me time".  What the heck is me time?!  It's time for laundry, dishes, lunches for the next day, organizing the house, trying to keep it tidied.  I'm loosing that battle.

Hell, I even reorganized the toy room, complete with bins that are labelled for each specific toy.  However, all the toys are in the living room, all over the floor.  NOT put away.  It is so frustrating. 

And I become an asshole.  

I'm an asshole because I threaten to throw out the toys if they aren't cleaned up.  I'm an asshole because I grab a garbage bag and toss toys in there while they are screaming & scrambling to put toys away.  Too late, I say, I've given them multitudes of warnings and requests. 

They say I yell too much.  Well, perhaps if they did what was asked of them the FIRST time I wouldn't have to yell.  God it's frustrating.  Migraines don't help matters much either.  I've tried to tell the kids that if they help, if they do as they're told, mommy won't yell, mommy won't get angry. 

But I'm an asshole. 

We all have jobs to do.  Doesn't matter how old you are, you have a job to do.  My 6 year old can't even seem to put his dirty laundry in the laundry basket.  Nope, he will throw his clothes onto the floor, right beside the basket.  When I ask him about it, he simply replies, oops, I forgot.  Forgot?  Forgot what?  That you have a laundry basket less than a foot from where you put your dirty clothes?    Perhaps I'll forget to do laundry, we will see how that goes.

I'm an asshole because I'm tired.  Because I'm fed up.  Because I just can't stand to hear whining or fighting or back talking anymore.  When did kids decide they can smart mouth adults?!  I'm dumbfounded.  My oldest will back talk me until the cows come home.  I know he has ADHD, but clearly back talking shouldn't be a sign of that, should it?  Maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing, however, he is a very smart kid, so I'm sure he's quite aware of it. 

Tonight he tells me that I'm always too busy.  That I never spend time with him.  I quickly reminded him that he spent his whole afternoon after soccer in his room, with MY iPad, watching Netflix.  Yes, way too much screen time, I agree. 

I hate electronics. 

They're sucking the life from my kids.  My kids are more interested in plopping down in front of a screen than they are to sit and read a book, or play a game with their mom.  Or go outside & play.  I felt like an asshole, because my kid says I'm too busy.  And all I want to do is scream, if you got off that goddamn iPad for 5 minutes, and actually said, mom, can we do something together, we would do it.  Instead, he waits until it's way past his bedtime and then cries because I'm too busy.  God I'm an asshole.  It makes me angry and it frustrates the hell outta me.

This is the end of my very, very long week.  I'm grumpy, I'm tired.  I've been fighting a migraine for over 24 hrs.  I've had overtime each night at work, and after 12 hrs of my shift, the last thing I want is more overtime. 

I'm taking things too much to heart. 

I'm not an asshole. 

I'm having a bad day.  We are having a bad day. 

Tomorrow will be better.  Tomorrow is a fresh start.  Tomorrow there will be sunshine and butterflies. 

Nope, I'll most likely still be an asshole.  But we can hope for change.


I really do love my children.  I just wish there was some way that I could erase the feeling that I'm screwing up royally with my kids.  That they would help around the house, that they would do as they're told the FIRST time.  That they'll stop whining, they'll stop fighting, and they'll stop back-talking.   But who am I kidding?  They are boys.  They are going to give me a full head of grey hairs.

I will try to take deep breaths and remind myself that I'm not the only asshole parent.  I'm not the first, and I'm not the last.  I'm just doing my best not to raise asshole children. 

Wish me luck!

Puts a Smile on My Face

A few days ago, during #BellLetsTalk day, I took a step and posted one of my blog entries.  It was about my struggles with mental health and the crap I see on my job.  I was nervous to share it, nervous to be judged, to be laughed at, to be ridiculed.  What I didn't expect was all the love & support from others.  Others sharing THEIR stories of their struggles.  Reaffirming that we are not alone in this.

It really is true - we don't know what goes on behind closed doors.  Many of us walk around like we have our shit together.  In reality, we are just going through the motions.  "Fake it, till we make it".  It's sad, really, that so many of us are like this.  Robotic, going day to day just getting by.  Only to come home and fall apart.

Over the past 2.5 years things have really taken a toll.  There have been a lot of changes in my life.  First and foremost, I finally got the courage to walk away from a very sad & unhealthy marriage.  I was terrified, but I took the leap.  Looking back now, I realize that I was under a LOT of stress.  I didn't talk to anyone about it, just kept saying everything was fine.  Deep down inside, it wasn't.  I was struggling on my own, making ends meet, feeling like a failure and wondering if I'd ever have someone love me again.  I spent 10 years or so listening to someone speak in such a way to me that, had I been on the outside looking in, I would have taken that woman and run.  FAST.

It's so easy to look back and go, wow, how did I miss that.  I've had a lot of people now tell me that they never really liked my ex., or how he treated me - yet no one pulled me aside to have that chat.  Sure at the time I was "in love", and probably would have not listened, but at least someone would have said something.  I think I was more in love with the idea of having the perfect family.  I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to be well into my 30s with no kids.  I found someone, who seemed to like me, so I figured that was enough.  There was no real friendship or passion.  No real love.  Thankfully I got the best 2 gifts from that marriage and they are the most wonderful children.  See, here I go again, candy coating the truth LOL.

My kids, they are turning my hair grey by the second.  They are almost 2 years apart in age.  I thought they'd become the best of friends, beings so close, but nope.  They fight.  CONSTANTLY.  It's a never ending (so it seems) battle around here, someone is always screaming, yelling, crying or slamming doors.  I seem to be in that mix too.  That is hard when you're on your own raising kids.  You have no partner to tag in so you can have a time out.  It's just me.  VS. them.

I've realized that I need to set my ground with these boys, because the oldest is already pretty strong, and one day he will tower over me and overpower me.  It is essential that I remain the authoritative figure here, otherwise, they'll run me right over. 

I know too though, that they struggle.  They are unhappy at times.  They use words towards me that they've heard their dad say to me.  They wish their dad was around more, and when he is around, that he would spend quality time with them.  According to the boys, the phone, iPAD and computer get more attention.  Breaks my heart, but we can only do so much.  We all have our struggles.  I have tried talking to the dad, to let him now how the kids feel, but he just gets defensive and I get nowhere.

I am trying hard.  I am trying to give them a great childhood with wonderful memories, memories that will be stronger than the unhappy times.  I want them to feel loved, safe and cared for.  I sure hope they know that I would lay down my life for them. 

I've gotten off-track.  2.5 yrs ago I asked for a divorce.  It has dragged on and on since now.  Finally got our separation agreement, THOUSANDS of dollars later, but we have it.  I filed for divorce the same day.  Just to close the chapter and move on.  To what, who knows, but it will be happier.  My counsellor told me, that anyone who is going through a divorce needs a time out.  Take at least a month off work if possible.  It's a major life change.  One you never expect when you're saying your vows.  Perhaps I expected it and that's why I never changed my name.

I think there are a lot of people out there who are unhappy.  Who get married just "because it's then next thing to do".  Then they bring in kids.  Never really fixing the main issue.  Our problem, in my opinion, is we just didn't get along.  We didn't work as a team, we didn't validate each other.  I felt resentful because I seemed to do ALL the childcare duties, while he sat downstairs and watched TV.  Each time this happened, I got more frustrated.  If you know me well, you know that I don't keep quiet for very long.  I let my opinion be heard and it never went over well.  We couldn't communicate without arguing.  It was a no-win situation.  We tried counselling together when the youngest was still in an infant carseat.  That did no good.  He got his back up and said the counsellor was a man hater.  All because she told me to stop paying off his debts and that if I wanted, I was strong enough to do this alone. 

She was right.  I am strong enough to do this alone.  I am doing it alone.  I think we are managing well, especially now that I know my mental health is important.  It is SO important to look after ourselves.  To not be afraid to ask for help.  To tell it like it is when it's just too overwhelming to handle anymore.  There are people out there for us.   We don't have to struggle.

We are in this together.

I Took A Step Today

Today I was brave.  Today I stepped out of my comfort zone.  Today I shared. 

Today I shared with my facebook world this blog.  As terrifying as it is, I hope it spreads awareness that we all struggle.  Today is #BellLetsTalk day.  A day to raise money, to spread awareness & to end the stigma surrounding mental health.

Mental health affects so many of us, and so many of us suffer in silence.  It's a shame that we feel the need to keep quiet.  I was quiet for so long.  Finally I broke.  I took a break.  I got better.  A year later, I am doing very well.  I talk about my issues.  I don't keep them bottled up for fear of looking weak.

We are strong.

We need to realize that we are all in this together.  Instead of competing with each other, we need to lift each other up.  To offer support & assistance when it's needed.  To know that we are not alone.

So as I post this, I breath a sigh of relief.  Something that I've kept to myself for over a year is now out there for everyone to read.  If they judge me, I'm ok with that now, because I know it's what is right for me.  If I encourage one person to seek help, then I've done my part!

Forty. Fat. Female.

The dreaded "F" word.    I'm two of those things.  And I'd like to fix one of those things within the next year and a half.   I was told a few weeks ago that I had type 2 diabetes.  Couldn't help but feel somewhat responsible for my diagnosis, given the pattern of my eating habits over the past few years.  Food is my comfort, my crutch, my go to when I'm stressed, sad, angry, lonely.  My sweet tooth actually has a sugar coating on it I think!    The other part though, is my fathers side.  Strong genetic string of diabetes.  My nan, my dad, my sister, many aunts, uncles, cousins.  There's really no escaping it, however, I didn't have to make it so easy to find it's way into my life.

When I was pregnant for the first time, I was overweight.  I only gained 15 lbs, but with that pregnancy, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes.  My son was 9 lbs 11 oz.  After giving birth, I breastfed for 3 months, exercised daily as I had a wedding dress to fit into.  I'd lost 50 lbs. The diabetes was gone from my body once I delivered, and all was right in the world.

2nd pregnancy, I was not as over weight, however I gained an astonishing 60 lbs.  That pregnancy, I didn't have gestational diabetes (although I beg to differ).  My 2nd son was born weighing a wopping 11 lbs! 

In 2013 I was at my heaviest.  I had many friends offering support.  I was depressed, hated the way I looked, was going through a bad marriage.  After a lot of prodding, I decided to give Isagenix a try.   I did the 30 day cleanse system for 90 days.  And I lost 50 lbs.  I felt amazing, everyone said I looked great (why no one says you look good when you're overweight is sad.  I try hard to look nice whatever my size, yet I only get compliments when I'm society's "thinner" view).  I had a good summer that year.  My mom & I took my boys to Florida at the end of August.  There I gained back 15-20 lbs.  Then there was thanksgiving, Halloween, gallbladder removal, Christmas... more troubled marriage stuff...  My mom & I went to Cuba in the winter and I came home another 20 lbs heavier.  Damn pina coladas! 

I lost my drive to continue the isagenix lifestyle.  And it showed me, that no matter how easy it was to lose the weight, if I didn't change my eating habits and daily exercise routine (or at least start a routine) than nothing would change. 

In May 2014 I finally decided to file for divorce.  What a sense of failure that comes with.  All these stupid MEMEs on facebook saying that no one decides to work on a marriage, they just walk away, blah blah blah.  Screw all of you.  I tried.  I tried for 8 years, longer than we were married!  I decided that I didn't deserve the constant verbal abuse I was getting.  I didn't deserve to be unhappy and in a marriage alone.  I decided that if I was going to be a single mother, while married and unhappy, I might as well be a single mother, and be divorced.  If I have to do it all, while the other is sitting downstairs doing their own thing, then well, I'll do it alone!  So I did.  Now that didn't come without a lot of heartache, a lot of fighting, a lot of stress, and a lot of eating.    I'd gained back all the weight I'd lost using isagenix, and then some. 

Fast forward to two weeks ago.  My doctor's office calls to tell me that I'm diabetic.  A phone call I take while eating a huge bowl of mint chip ice cream.  Ironic.  No wonder my blood is full of sugar.  That's my entire diet these days.  Box of cookies here, tub of ice cream there, throw in a few shots of reddi whip in my mouth on the way past the fridge. And don't forget the pop.  Who needs water when you've good this liquid gold.

That day, then and there, I decided to take my life back.  I decided that I was worth something, that my kids deserved to have a healthy mother.  I have tried every single day to get on the treadmill and run for at least 30 minutes.  The furthest I have gone is 2.5 km.  Slow and steady...  I've also found work out stuff at local thrift shops and have created a nice little "gym" in my basement.  No excuses.

I have a great support system around me who will give me the nudge when I just want to go to bed.  My kids are great cheerleaders too, running to get more water, turning on the fan when I'm a sweaty pig on the treadmill.  You name it, they're there for me. 

My goal is to initially lose those 60 lbs I gained back.  I am doing some isagenix stuff again, mainly the shakes as they are good for breakfast.  I am trying to run daily for 30 minutes and then I do weights/workout on arms/legs, etc for another... well until I'm weak lol.  After those 60 lbs are gone, we are going to reevaluate my need for medication for diabetes.  I'd love to get off all medication.  Fingers cross, I think I can do it!  If I can lose 100 lbs at least from where I am now, well, I'll probably walk around naked haha! 

Seriously though, I want to be there for my kids. I want to reduce my risk of heart disease.  I want to be able to play with my children and not just ask to sit on my butt.  I want it and I will do it.

One. Step. At. A. Time.

And when I'm 40, I will not be fat. 

Challenges and Triumphs

Well, I did it.  I completed another 5K obstacle course.  And I did it with my 66 year old mother.  We walked, we ran, I tripped and fell face first into the sand, we laughed, we panted, we finished.  It was hard, but amazing to finish.  It was a foam fest with inflatable obstacles.  It was fun.  However, it was held at a very sandy beach area, complete with never ending sand dunes.  Let me tell you, our feet felt like they were cement blocks once they were coated with that sand.  Still we persevered.  And we got a nice medal to add to our collection, and a funky colourful towel!

It has been a pretty productive summer.  We have gone on two four day camping trips, one without electricity and one with.  The second one we were SO glad to have electicity so we could have our little fan in the tent.  It was SO HUMID.  We have had such a dry and HOT humid summer thus far.  We love camping, and I love the memories my children are creating.  We used to have a huge 33 ft long travel trailer... complete with slide outs and bunk beds.  Alas, in the separation from my ex husband we had to sell it.  And take a HUGE loss on it.  So now we have a tent... and cots... and it's FUN.  My back sometimes says different! 

We also went to Blue Mountain for four days, we hiked, swam, listened to music, danced, rode the gondola, kids did high ropes... we smiled!  It was great fun.  I was so proud of my youngest who put on brave pants and tried the ropes course for the first time. Ok, so technically it's "low ropes" course, but it's freaking high!

I just want to give them so much in life, but let them know that things aren't free and you have to work hard for them.  We raised money for this last trip, and I worked an overtime shift on a stat holiday, so i was able to make double time.  Woot woot.  My kids now know if they want something, they best find some toys to sell!

I wanted to write so much more tonight, but now I'm just rambling, so I'll end it here.  For now.

You Can Be Anything!

Today my son had his soccer tournament.  He's 8.  Most of the time, the kids are chasing the ball for a bit, and then standing waiting for it to come to them.    It's quite comical to watch, really.  Over the past few weeks, I've seen such improvement in our team.  I've seen the kids grow with each other, become great team players.  I've seen fantastic passes, great defense, I've seen them overcome frustration when they played a stacked team, over and over again.  This one team, the dreaded yellow team, was rumoured to have a few 11 year old boys on the team.  This team is the under 9.  NINE.  but, because some kids want to play with their friends, they're allowed on the team.  Our team was killed by the yellow kids more than once, and boy were they getting frustrated.  Defeated.  Saddened.  At one point my son said he didn't want to play soccer again.  It didn't continue to be fun for him.  How could it when all you do is get beat up by the opposite team.

Well, last Thursday night, a fire lit under their little feet.  They lost again to that yellow team, but they found something better.  They found they had courage, drive, will.  They didn't give up.  My son is a bigger kid.  He learned he could play great defense, and charge the kids coming at him and every time he won, got the ball from that kid that was coming at him.  He felt powerful.  He felt important.

Today, during the tournament, they won one game and lost their other.  It's the end of the outdoor season, but my son has excitedly asked to be signed up for indoor soccer again this fall/winter.  I have a feeling in my gut he could become great.  He asked me if he could be a professional soccer player, and when I said he could be anything in the world, he said "well, when I'm a professional soccer player and I'm playing all over the world, I will get you tickets for free so you can come and watch me."  God I love him. 

I wouldn't miss it for the world!

When The World Hurts

I have an image in my head.  It's stuck there, because someone posted it on the internet, and it ended up in my facebook timeline and I saw it.  I wish I could unsee it.  It is SO sad, so heartbreaking. 

The picture shows a baby doll, laying beside a foil blanket, under which lies a poor innocent child who was run down and killed.  Killed by some asshole person who thinks, well, who the hell knows what he thinks.  He killed, 84 I believe is the number now, innocent people, including many children in Nice, France.  He drove his truck through a crowd of people, people who were celebrating, having fun, laughing.  Then, it turned to screams, fear, terror, gunshots.   They killed him dead.   I'm so glad they shot that bastard dead.

But I can't unsee that picture.


I can't stop thinking about that picture.

I can't stop thinking about the sadness, the anger, the fear, the terror.  WHY did this happen?  Why do bad, horrible things continue to happen. 

I hate it.  I hate that the world is a scary place.  I hate that NO WHERE is safe.  Not one place is safe.  This was a tourist area.   A place for fun, for making memories, for joyous laughter, smiles and love.

We need the love.

I try though to remember a quote I read online one day...

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." — Mister Rogers

I am a helper. 

My coworkers are helpers, my friends are helpers.  For 17  years I have been a helper.    Let's all be helpers and let's make this world a better place.