I'm An Asshole.

I'm sure every parent feels this way now & again.  It's a tough feeling, to feel like such an asshole when dealing with your children.  Tonight is one of those nights.  I can hear my child crying in his room, and I am just so frustrated that I simply cannot deal with it right now.  What is he crying over?  That I told him I would take his radio away tomorrow.  Why is that such a big deal?  Well, he listens to the goddamn thing every night, blasting too loud, to hear it over the fan noise, to a radio station that plays anything from dance music to top 40.  It certainly isn't relaxing music to fall asleep to, and often I hear him singing along.  Why is this a bad thing?  Well, for one, he will lay in bed for almost an hour or so singing and staying awake... when he should be sleeping.  He will call me down the hall whenever a song comes on that he'd like to buy on iTunes to add to his collection.  It is so frustrating.  My kids just don't understand the concept of bed time.  It's bed time.  NOW.  Go to sleep and stay asleep. 

Don't call me five THOUSAND times.  

Mom, tuck me in. 

I did. 

Tuck me in TIGHT. 

I did. 

Well I rolled over and it came untucked. 

Too bad. 

MOOOOOMMMMMMMM tuck me in.  (insert crying here). 

Frustrated and angry the kid gets tucked in.  This continues on for a good hour as well.  C'mon kid, I have shit to do.  Certainly not sit on my butt and have "me time".  What the heck is me time?!  It's time for laundry, dishes, lunches for the next day, organizing the house, trying to keep it tidied.  I'm loosing that battle.

Hell, I even reorganized the toy room, complete with bins that are labelled for each specific toy.  However, all the toys are in the living room, all over the floor.  NOT put away.  It is so frustrating. 

And I become an asshole.  

I'm an asshole because I threaten to throw out the toys if they aren't cleaned up.  I'm an asshole because I grab a garbage bag and toss toys in there while they are screaming & scrambling to put toys away.  Too late, I say, I've given them multitudes of warnings and requests. 

They say I yell too much.  Well, perhaps if they did what was asked of them the FIRST time I wouldn't have to yell.  God it's frustrating.  Migraines don't help matters much either.  I've tried to tell the kids that if they help, if they do as they're told, mommy won't yell, mommy won't get angry. 

But I'm an asshole. 

We all have jobs to do.  Doesn't matter how old you are, you have a job to do.  My 6 year old can't even seem to put his dirty laundry in the laundry basket.  Nope, he will throw his clothes onto the floor, right beside the basket.  When I ask him about it, he simply replies, oops, I forgot.  Forgot?  Forgot what?  That you have a laundry basket less than a foot from where you put your dirty clothes?    Perhaps I'll forget to do laundry, we will see how that goes.

I'm an asshole because I'm tired.  Because I'm fed up.  Because I just can't stand to hear whining or fighting or back talking anymore.  When did kids decide they can smart mouth adults?!  I'm dumbfounded.  My oldest will back talk me until the cows come home.  I know he has ADHD, but clearly back talking shouldn't be a sign of that, should it?  Maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing, however, he is a very smart kid, so I'm sure he's quite aware of it. 

Tonight he tells me that I'm always too busy.  That I never spend time with him.  I quickly reminded him that he spent his whole afternoon after soccer in his room, with MY iPad, watching Netflix.  Yes, way too much screen time, I agree. 

I hate electronics. 

They're sucking the life from my kids.  My kids are more interested in plopping down in front of a screen than they are to sit and read a book, or play a game with their mom.  Or go outside & play.  I felt like an asshole, because my kid says I'm too busy.  And all I want to do is scream, if you got off that goddamn iPad for 5 minutes, and actually said, mom, can we do something together, we would do it.  Instead, he waits until it's way past his bedtime and then cries because I'm too busy.  God I'm an asshole.  It makes me angry and it frustrates the hell outta me.

This is the end of my very, very long week.  I'm grumpy, I'm tired.  I've been fighting a migraine for over 24 hrs.  I've had overtime each night at work, and after 12 hrs of my shift, the last thing I want is more overtime. 

I'm taking things too much to heart. 

I'm not an asshole. 

I'm having a bad day.  We are having a bad day. 

Tomorrow will be better.  Tomorrow is a fresh start.  Tomorrow there will be sunshine and butterflies. 

Nope, I'll most likely still be an asshole.  But we can hope for change.


I really do love my children.  I just wish there was some way that I could erase the feeling that I'm screwing up royally with my kids.  That they would help around the house, that they would do as they're told the FIRST time.  That they'll stop whining, they'll stop fighting, and they'll stop back-talking.   But who am I kidding?  They are boys.  They are going to give me a full head of grey hairs.

I will try to take deep breaths and remind myself that I'm not the only asshole parent.  I'm not the first, and I'm not the last.  I'm just doing my best not to raise asshole children. 

Wish me luck!