A few days ago, during #BellLetsTalk day, I took a step and posted one of my blog entries. It was about my struggles with mental health and the crap I see on my job. I was nervous to share it, nervous to be judged, to be laughed at, to be ridiculed. What I didn't expect was all the love & support from others. Others sharing THEIR stories of their struggles. Reaffirming that we are not alone in this.
It really is true - we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Many of us walk around like we have our shit together. In reality, we are just going through the motions. "Fake it, till we make it". It's sad, really, that so many of us are like this. Robotic, going day to day just getting by. Only to come home and fall apart.
Over the past 2.5 years things have really taken a toll. There have been a lot of changes in my life. First and foremost, I finally got the courage to walk away from a very sad & unhealthy marriage. I was terrified, but I took the leap. Looking back now, I realize that I was under a LOT of stress. I didn't talk to anyone about it, just kept saying everything was fine. Deep down inside, it wasn't. I was struggling on my own, making ends meet, feeling like a failure and wondering if I'd ever have someone love me again. I spent 10 years or so listening to someone speak in such a way to me that, had I been on the outside looking in, I would have taken that woman and run. FAST.
It's so easy to look back and go, wow, how did I miss that. I've had a lot of people now tell me that they never really liked my ex., or how he treated me - yet no one pulled me aside to have that chat. Sure at the time I was "in love", and probably would have not listened, but at least someone would have said something. I think I was more in love with the idea of having the perfect family. I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to be well into my 30s with no kids. I found someone, who seemed to like me, so I figured that was enough. There was no real friendship or passion. No real love. Thankfully I got the best 2 gifts from that marriage and they are the most wonderful children. See, here I go again, candy coating the truth LOL.
My kids, they are turning my hair grey by the second. They are almost 2 years apart in age. I thought they'd become the best of friends, beings so close, but nope. They fight. CONSTANTLY. It's a never ending (so it seems) battle around here, someone is always screaming, yelling, crying or slamming doors. I seem to be in that mix too. That is hard when you're on your own raising kids. You have no partner to tag in so you can have a time out. It's just me. VS. them.
I've realized that I need to set my ground with these boys, because the oldest is already pretty strong, and one day he will tower over me and overpower me. It is essential that I remain the authoritative figure here, otherwise, they'll run me right over.
I know too though, that they struggle. They are unhappy at times. They use words towards me that they've heard their dad say to me. They wish their dad was around more, and when he is around, that he would spend quality time with them. According to the boys, the phone, iPAD and computer get more attention. Breaks my heart, but we can only do so much. We all have our struggles. I have tried talking to the dad, to let him now how the kids feel, but he just gets defensive and I get nowhere.
I am trying hard. I am trying to give them a great childhood with wonderful memories, memories that will be stronger than the unhappy times. I want them to feel loved, safe and cared for. I sure hope they know that I would lay down my life for them.
I've gotten off-track. 2.5 yrs ago I asked for a divorce. It has dragged on and on since now. Finally got our separation agreement, THOUSANDS of dollars later, but we have it. I filed for divorce the same day. Just to close the chapter and move on. To what, who knows, but it will be happier. My counsellor told me, that anyone who is going through a divorce needs a time out. Take at least a month off work if possible. It's a major life change. One you never expect when you're saying your vows. Perhaps I expected it and that's why I never changed my name.
I think there are a lot of people out there who are unhappy. Who get married just "because it's then next thing to do". Then they bring in kids. Never really fixing the main issue. Our problem, in my opinion, is we just didn't get along. We didn't work as a team, we didn't validate each other. I felt resentful because I seemed to do ALL the childcare duties, while he sat downstairs and watched TV. Each time this happened, I got more frustrated. If you know me well, you know that I don't keep quiet for very long. I let my opinion be heard and it never went over well. We couldn't communicate without arguing. It was a no-win situation. We tried counselling together when the youngest was still in an infant carseat. That did no good. He got his back up and said the counsellor was a man hater. All because she told me to stop paying off his debts and that if I wanted, I was strong enough to do this alone.
She was right. I am strong enough to do this alone. I am doing it alone. I think we are managing well, especially now that I know my mental health is important. It is SO important to look after ourselves. To not be afraid to ask for help. To tell it like it is when it's just too overwhelming to handle anymore. There are people out there for us. We don't have to struggle.
We are in this together.
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