I'm sure every parent feels this way now & again. It's a tough feeling, to feel like such an asshole when dealing with your children. Tonight is one of those nights. I can hear my child crying in his room, and I am just so frustrated that I simply cannot deal with it right now. What is he crying over? That I told him I would take his radio away tomorrow. Why is that such a big deal? Well, he listens to the goddamn thing every night, blasting too loud, to hear it over the fan noise, to a radio station that plays anything from dance music to top 40. It certainly isn't relaxing music to fall asleep to, and often I hear him singing along. Why is this a bad thing? Well, for one, he will lay in bed for almost an hour or so singing and staying awake... when he should be sleeping. He will call me down the hall whenever a song comes on that he'd like to buy on iTunes to add to his collection. It is so frustrating. My kids just don't understand the concept of bed time. It's bed time. NOW. Go to sleep and stay asleep.
Don't call me five THOUSAND times.
Mom, tuck me in.
I did.
Tuck me in TIGHT.
I did.
Well I rolled over and it came untucked.
Too bad.
MOOOOOMMMMMMMM tuck me in. (insert crying here).
Frustrated and angry the kid gets tucked in. This continues on for a good hour as well. C'mon kid, I have shit to do. Certainly not sit on my butt and have "me time". What the heck is me time?! It's time for laundry, dishes, lunches for the next day, organizing the house, trying to keep it tidied. I'm loosing that battle.
Hell, I even reorganized the toy room, complete with bins that are labelled for each specific toy. However, all the toys are in the living room, all over the floor. NOT put away. It is so frustrating.
And I become an asshole.
I'm an asshole because I threaten to throw out the toys if they aren't cleaned up. I'm an asshole because I grab a garbage bag and toss toys in there while they are screaming & scrambling to put toys away. Too late, I say, I've given them multitudes of warnings and requests.
They say I yell too much. Well, perhaps if they did what was asked of them the FIRST time I wouldn't have to yell. God it's frustrating. Migraines don't help matters much either. I've tried to tell the kids that if they help, if they do as they're told, mommy won't yell, mommy won't get angry.
But I'm an asshole.
We all have jobs to do. Doesn't matter how old you are, you have a job to do. My 6 year old can't even seem to put his dirty laundry in the laundry basket. Nope, he will throw his clothes onto the floor, right beside the basket. When I ask him about it, he simply replies, oops, I forgot. Forgot? Forgot what? That you have a laundry basket less than a foot from where you put your dirty clothes? Perhaps I'll forget to do laundry, we will see how that goes.
I'm an asshole because I'm tired. Because I'm fed up. Because I just can't stand to hear whining or fighting or back talking anymore. When did kids decide they can smart mouth adults?! I'm dumbfounded. My oldest will back talk me until the cows come home. I know he has ADHD, but clearly back talking shouldn't be a sign of that, should it? Maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing, however, he is a very smart kid, so I'm sure he's quite aware of it.
Tonight he tells me that I'm always too busy. That I never spend time with him. I quickly reminded him that he spent his whole afternoon after soccer in his room, with MY iPad, watching Netflix. Yes, way too much screen time, I agree.
I hate electronics.
They're sucking the life from my kids. My kids are more interested in plopping down in front of a screen than they are to sit and read a book, or play a game with their mom. Or go outside & play. I felt like an asshole, because my kid says I'm too busy. And all I want to do is scream, if you got off that goddamn iPad for 5 minutes, and actually said, mom, can we do something together, we would do it. Instead, he waits until it's way past his bedtime and then cries because I'm too busy. God I'm an asshole. It makes me angry and it frustrates the hell outta me.
This is the end of my very, very long week. I'm grumpy, I'm tired. I've been fighting a migraine for over 24 hrs. I've had overtime each night at work, and after 12 hrs of my shift, the last thing I want is more overtime.
I'm taking things too much to heart.
I'm not an asshole.
I'm having a bad day. We are having a bad day.
Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow is a fresh start. Tomorrow there will be sunshine and butterflies.
Nope, I'll most likely still be an asshole. But we can hope for change.
I really do love my children. I just wish there was some way that I could erase the feeling that I'm screwing up royally with my kids. That they would help around the house, that they would do as they're told the FIRST time. That they'll stop whining, they'll stop fighting, and they'll stop back-talking. But who am I kidding? They are boys. They are going to give me a full head of grey hairs.
I will try to take deep breaths and remind myself that I'm not the only asshole parent. I'm not the first, and I'm not the last. I'm just doing my best not to raise asshole children.
Wish me luck!
Sunday, 12 February 2017
Friday, 27 January 2017
Puts a Smile on My Face
A few days ago, during #BellLetsTalk day, I took a step and posted one of my blog entries. It was about my struggles with mental health and the crap I see on my job. I was nervous to share it, nervous to be judged, to be laughed at, to be ridiculed. What I didn't expect was all the love & support from others. Others sharing THEIR stories of their struggles. Reaffirming that we are not alone in this.
It really is true - we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Many of us walk around like we have our shit together. In reality, we are just going through the motions. "Fake it, till we make it". It's sad, really, that so many of us are like this. Robotic, going day to day just getting by. Only to come home and fall apart.
Over the past 2.5 years things have really taken a toll. There have been a lot of changes in my life. First and foremost, I finally got the courage to walk away from a very sad & unhealthy marriage. I was terrified, but I took the leap. Looking back now, I realize that I was under a LOT of stress. I didn't talk to anyone about it, just kept saying everything was fine. Deep down inside, it wasn't. I was struggling on my own, making ends meet, feeling like a failure and wondering if I'd ever have someone love me again. I spent 10 years or so listening to someone speak in such a way to me that, had I been on the outside looking in, I would have taken that woman and run. FAST.
It's so easy to look back and go, wow, how did I miss that. I've had a lot of people now tell me that they never really liked my ex., or how he treated me - yet no one pulled me aside to have that chat. Sure at the time I was "in love", and probably would have not listened, but at least someone would have said something. I think I was more in love with the idea of having the perfect family. I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to be well into my 30s with no kids. I found someone, who seemed to like me, so I figured that was enough. There was no real friendship or passion. No real love. Thankfully I got the best 2 gifts from that marriage and they are the most wonderful children. See, here I go again, candy coating the truth LOL.
My kids, they are turning my hair grey by the second. They are almost 2 years apart in age. I thought they'd become the best of friends, beings so close, but nope. They fight. CONSTANTLY. It's a never ending (so it seems) battle around here, someone is always screaming, yelling, crying or slamming doors. I seem to be in that mix too. That is hard when you're on your own raising kids. You have no partner to tag in so you can have a time out. It's just me. VS. them.
I've realized that I need to set my ground with these boys, because the oldest is already pretty strong, and one day he will tower over me and overpower me. It is essential that I remain the authoritative figure here, otherwise, they'll run me right over.
I know too though, that they struggle. They are unhappy at times. They use words towards me that they've heard their dad say to me. They wish their dad was around more, and when he is around, that he would spend quality time with them. According to the boys, the phone, iPAD and computer get more attention. Breaks my heart, but we can only do so much. We all have our struggles. I have tried talking to the dad, to let him now how the kids feel, but he just gets defensive and I get nowhere.
I am trying hard. I am trying to give them a great childhood with wonderful memories, memories that will be stronger than the unhappy times. I want them to feel loved, safe and cared for. I sure hope they know that I would lay down my life for them.
I've gotten off-track. 2.5 yrs ago I asked for a divorce. It has dragged on and on since now. Finally got our separation agreement, THOUSANDS of dollars later, but we have it. I filed for divorce the same day. Just to close the chapter and move on. To what, who knows, but it will be happier. My counsellor told me, that anyone who is going through a divorce needs a time out. Take at least a month off work if possible. It's a major life change. One you never expect when you're saying your vows. Perhaps I expected it and that's why I never changed my name.
I think there are a lot of people out there who are unhappy. Who get married just "because it's then next thing to do". Then they bring in kids. Never really fixing the main issue. Our problem, in my opinion, is we just didn't get along. We didn't work as a team, we didn't validate each other. I felt resentful because I seemed to do ALL the childcare duties, while he sat downstairs and watched TV. Each time this happened, I got more frustrated. If you know me well, you know that I don't keep quiet for very long. I let my opinion be heard and it never went over well. We couldn't communicate without arguing. It was a no-win situation. We tried counselling together when the youngest was still in an infant carseat. That did no good. He got his back up and said the counsellor was a man hater. All because she told me to stop paying off his debts and that if I wanted, I was strong enough to do this alone.
She was right. I am strong enough to do this alone. I am doing it alone. I think we are managing well, especially now that I know my mental health is important. It is SO important to look after ourselves. To not be afraid to ask for help. To tell it like it is when it's just too overwhelming to handle anymore. There are people out there for us. We don't have to struggle.
We are in this together.
It really is true - we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Many of us walk around like we have our shit together. In reality, we are just going through the motions. "Fake it, till we make it". It's sad, really, that so many of us are like this. Robotic, going day to day just getting by. Only to come home and fall apart.
Over the past 2.5 years things have really taken a toll. There have been a lot of changes in my life. First and foremost, I finally got the courage to walk away from a very sad & unhealthy marriage. I was terrified, but I took the leap. Looking back now, I realize that I was under a LOT of stress. I didn't talk to anyone about it, just kept saying everything was fine. Deep down inside, it wasn't. I was struggling on my own, making ends meet, feeling like a failure and wondering if I'd ever have someone love me again. I spent 10 years or so listening to someone speak in such a way to me that, had I been on the outside looking in, I would have taken that woman and run. FAST.
It's so easy to look back and go, wow, how did I miss that. I've had a lot of people now tell me that they never really liked my ex., or how he treated me - yet no one pulled me aside to have that chat. Sure at the time I was "in love", and probably would have not listened, but at least someone would have said something. I think I was more in love with the idea of having the perfect family. I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to be well into my 30s with no kids. I found someone, who seemed to like me, so I figured that was enough. There was no real friendship or passion. No real love. Thankfully I got the best 2 gifts from that marriage and they are the most wonderful children. See, here I go again, candy coating the truth LOL.
My kids, they are turning my hair grey by the second. They are almost 2 years apart in age. I thought they'd become the best of friends, beings so close, but nope. They fight. CONSTANTLY. It's a never ending (so it seems) battle around here, someone is always screaming, yelling, crying or slamming doors. I seem to be in that mix too. That is hard when you're on your own raising kids. You have no partner to tag in so you can have a time out. It's just me. VS. them.
I've realized that I need to set my ground with these boys, because the oldest is already pretty strong, and one day he will tower over me and overpower me. It is essential that I remain the authoritative figure here, otherwise, they'll run me right over.
I know too though, that they struggle. They are unhappy at times. They use words towards me that they've heard their dad say to me. They wish their dad was around more, and when he is around, that he would spend quality time with them. According to the boys, the phone, iPAD and computer get more attention. Breaks my heart, but we can only do so much. We all have our struggles. I have tried talking to the dad, to let him now how the kids feel, but he just gets defensive and I get nowhere.
I am trying hard. I am trying to give them a great childhood with wonderful memories, memories that will be stronger than the unhappy times. I want them to feel loved, safe and cared for. I sure hope they know that I would lay down my life for them.
I've gotten off-track. 2.5 yrs ago I asked for a divorce. It has dragged on and on since now. Finally got our separation agreement, THOUSANDS of dollars later, but we have it. I filed for divorce the same day. Just to close the chapter and move on. To what, who knows, but it will be happier. My counsellor told me, that anyone who is going through a divorce needs a time out. Take at least a month off work if possible. It's a major life change. One you never expect when you're saying your vows. Perhaps I expected it and that's why I never changed my name.
I think there are a lot of people out there who are unhappy. Who get married just "because it's then next thing to do". Then they bring in kids. Never really fixing the main issue. Our problem, in my opinion, is we just didn't get along. We didn't work as a team, we didn't validate each other. I felt resentful because I seemed to do ALL the childcare duties, while he sat downstairs and watched TV. Each time this happened, I got more frustrated. If you know me well, you know that I don't keep quiet for very long. I let my opinion be heard and it never went over well. We couldn't communicate without arguing. It was a no-win situation. We tried counselling together when the youngest was still in an infant carseat. That did no good. He got his back up and said the counsellor was a man hater. All because she told me to stop paying off his debts and that if I wanted, I was strong enough to do this alone.
She was right. I am strong enough to do this alone. I am doing it alone. I think we are managing well, especially now that I know my mental health is important. It is SO important to look after ourselves. To not be afraid to ask for help. To tell it like it is when it's just too overwhelming to handle anymore. There are people out there for us. We don't have to struggle.
We are in this together.
Wednesday, 25 January 2017
I Took A Step Today
Today I was brave. Today I stepped out of my comfort zone. Today I shared.
Today I shared with my facebook world this blog. As terrifying as it is, I hope it spreads awareness that we all struggle. Today is #BellLetsTalk day. A day to raise money, to spread awareness & to end the stigma surrounding mental health.
Mental health affects so many of us, and so many of us suffer in silence. It's a shame that we feel the need to keep quiet. I was quiet for so long. Finally I broke. I took a break. I got better. A year later, I am doing very well. I talk about my issues. I don't keep them bottled up for fear of looking weak.
We are strong.
We need to realize that we are all in this together. Instead of competing with each other, we need to lift each other up. To offer support & assistance when it's needed. To know that we are not alone.
So as I post this, I breath a sigh of relief. Something that I've kept to myself for over a year is now out there for everyone to read. If they judge me, I'm ok with that now, because I know it's what is right for me. If I encourage one person to seek help, then I've done my part!
Today I shared with my facebook world this blog. As terrifying as it is, I hope it spreads awareness that we all struggle. Today is #BellLetsTalk day. A day to raise money, to spread awareness & to end the stigma surrounding mental health.
Mental health affects so many of us, and so many of us suffer in silence. It's a shame that we feel the need to keep quiet. I was quiet for so long. Finally I broke. I took a break. I got better. A year later, I am doing very well. I talk about my issues. I don't keep them bottled up for fear of looking weak.
We are strong.
We need to realize that we are all in this together. Instead of competing with each other, we need to lift each other up. To offer support & assistance when it's needed. To know that we are not alone.
So as I post this, I breath a sigh of relief. Something that I've kept to myself for over a year is now out there for everyone to read. If they judge me, I'm ok with that now, because I know it's what is right for me. If I encourage one person to seek help, then I've done my part!
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