I've been back to work now for a few weeks and it's been going alright. I don't find I'm panicked or worried much. What I have found is that I realize how negative some people are. I don't know if it was my month off that gave me the break, to let go of the negative... but now that I'm back, I hear it so much. And not just from coworkers either, from family and friends. It's really quite depressing to realize how unhappy so many people are.
I'm working on "letting it go". It's my new mantra - LET IT GO. I try really hard not to burst out in the popular song when I say it to myself, it's such a great and catchy tune LOL. Even my boys love it.
Okay, to be honest, I've been interrupted about 4 times now by my 8 year old who is in bed & supposed to be sleeping. I'm getting rather irritated, but am letting it go. He has asked to be tucked in twice, and this last time he asked when we had plans to go to Canada's Wonderland. I'm like, really child, there is still snow outside and it's not even open. I reminded myself how lucky I am that he is my child, gave him a kiss and said goodnight, for the final time this evening. Fingers crossed he'll go to sleep. He is way up past his bedtime, which doesn't help, and that is mainly my fault. I got a late call at the end of my shift tonight, which put me into overtime. Thankfully it wasn't a long call, so I only got home about 30 minutes later than normal. Still I wanted to spend time with them, and the boys were outside playing when I got home. Who can turn down fresh air?! We got to read stories, they told me their happy sads for the days and I had the biggest smile when I asked about their buckets. My oldest said his was overflowing. LOVE THAT.
My oldest has had the most trouble with my recent separation from his father. It has almost been a year and a half since he moved out. Truthfully though, he was having trouble when his father lived here too. There was a lot of hate, a lot of anger, a lot of name calling. The worst was when his father said to me "The sooner you're dead the better." Nice, eh? Right in front of the kids. The day I knew that I had to be a single parent was after this, when my then 3 yr old son said, Mommy, we only need to have three people in our family. It broke my heart, but I knew what I had to do.
You see, from day one I thought I should leave. FROM DAY ONE. Why didn't I? Well, for one, someone was paying attention to me. Someone showed me I was important. And I liked that. I thought things would get better, I thought I could "fix" him. Wrong. Very wrong. So what did we do? Well, we had a baby of course. Then we got married, because, well if the baby didn't make things better, for sure a wedding would. Nope. Then I decided that I wanted to have two children, but I didn't want to have them have different fathers. I didn't want a huge age gap in between them, and who knows had I left then, if I'd ever found someone else who wanted a child with me? So I stayed, and had my second son. I thought perhaps things would change then, but still they didn't. He had a lot of issues, as I'm sure I did too. But he was mean. He called me names, especially the "c" word. It rhymes with punt. He was angry all the time and it didn't matter who was around either. He didn't care. I thought that moving to a bigger home would solve our problems, but alas they didn't. I finally realized my worth and my kids worth and filed for divorce. That didn't go over very well and it's been just about 2 years from the date of filing and we still aren't settled yet. I just want to get on with my life, without being attached to someone so full of hate and anger. Unfortunately we are waiting on him and his paperwork.
In the end though I am much happier. Yes it's hard and yes there are times I question my sanity. I cry sometimes, saddened that I am yet another statistic. One I swore I'd never be. My kids are learning their new roles and our new family. I am so fortunate to have such a supportive mother. She has been our rock. I honestly don't know what I'd do without her. She is our travel companion, our dinner companion and our go to girl. She is amazing. Also a single mother, so I guess the apple doesn't fall from the tree. I learned my strength from her. And I am so thankful.
**pictures are not my own, they are copied from a google image search.
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